Thursday, June 11, 2020

Dear Home

Dear Home ~

You grew me. 18+ years and countless visits since. Eastern Iowa Country is in my bones. Clinton and Jackson County are where my foundation was built. I breath deeper and more relaxed each time I drive on a gravel road.

Gravel roads - the trouble I got into and out of on gravel roads - thank goodness the cows and corn can't talk.

Quiet - the kind of quiet that if you stop and listen is so noisy with birds and cows and pigs and horses, wind in the trees, and corn you can hear grow if you just stop and listen.

Family - I was lucky/blessed to grow up with 4 great grandparents, 1 great great aunt, 2 grandparents, 6 great aunts/uncles and way too many generational cousins to count within 45 miles from our home place. I didn't know until I was a teenager, this wasn't a normal experience for most.

Farm house - I was taught to read the paper. I was taught that responsibility meant doing my share and more. I knew that loyalty in our house was everything. I was taught to love and respect my neighbor. Without saying it expressly, I believe my parents taught me and my brother to be colorblind. EVERYONE deserved our love and respect regardless of color. No more, no less. We didn't judge someone unless they gave us a reason. I grew up knowing and believing that people were good.

Small towns - where everyone knew me and my family and "my business"and I felt loved. (and watched but that is a whole different conversation)

School -  My graduating class was 35. A dream I have for my own children would be to have less than 25 in one classroom.  And I think I went to school with 12 (or more) of those classmates for the full 13 years. There is a saying that goes something like "No one will ever know you like your friends when you were all 13." And I think that is so true. The friends I had then knew my most honest and secret self. We grew together, laughed together, made mistakes together and pushed the boundaries together. I lost (cancer) one of those friends, my best friend when we were 26 and that has partially caused me to drift from some of those other friendships because it still hurts that much. (again - a whole different conversation)

And there's more but I will repeat - this is where I was built. My heart and soul began its journey in a generational farm house on a gravel road in the country. I hope you can feel what that means to me as I call you to action.

Recent events have had me looking into the past. And by recent events I mean Covid-19 and the politicizing of a scientific pandemic, the murder of George Floyd and the continued politicizing of black bodies and BLACK LIVES MATTER and the reactions to these local and national events by my friends and acquaintances.

And since I'm looking back I'm asking myself the question 'Would I change any or all of it? My upbringing?' And as I'm examining that question I realize something. It's the wrong question. And really, it shouldn't be a question at all. You can tear down or change the foundation of a house (or system) but you can't do that with a life. With life all you can do is learn today and do better tomorrow. And whether we like it or not, sometimes that includes learning that we have some foundations to burn down.

My 'life after Home' has been a different experience. I left for college - Iowa State University GO CYCLONES!!! - and my world opened to different colors and ways to love. Some of this was by joyous and glorious luck. Some of it was by design. The friendships and relationships I have made since 1996 challenged me to be a better person. A better woman. A better advocate. A better ally.

While I was at Iowa State I relished in the fact that two of my closest friends were Asian. I inwardly thought 'Look at me! I'm so progressive! Not just a farm girl anymore!' After a time I also remember thinking (and saying) 'I forget that she is Asian! I'm just so colorblind.'  I never treated them differently or less than because I was a 'good and decent person.' But because I learn today and know better tomorrow I know that by not acknowledging their color/ethnicity I wasn't acknowledging the racism they still experienced.

After Ames I found home in Des Moines. The past 18+ years have not been similar to the first 18+. But they have seeped into the unfilled areas of my bones. There has been an addition to my foundation. And that addition has been built by me. Home gave me the foundation to be able to build my addition and I will forever be grateful and respectful of that.

Paved roads - I can get almost anything I need in 30 minutes or less. Two grocery stores are within 10 minutes (walking) of my house. And while I am walking I will see no less than 2 police cars patrolling to 'keep me safe.' Any trouble that I find on these roads won't be kept between me and the sidewalks. My trouble/mistakes may get me a warning. I can't say the same about my neighbors of color. While I haven't seen that kind of treatment/profiling/abuse with my own eyes the people I know have experienced it first hand. We live in the same city but our experiences are different. As my teenage boys go out into these streets on their own we talk about what it means to be a teenager. Individually they are proving to be responsible and stand out young men (with lots of time to still make mistakes). As a collective, they are teenagers and with that there are all kinds of connotations. They are kids with under-developed brains. They cause trouble. Heck - they look for trouble. Remember me and the gravel roads... Now we also talk about what it's like to be a black teenager. And while our conversations do cover the systemic racism their black friends may and do face we narrow in on how they are going to be an ally when and if they get stopped by the police and their black friend is singled out as the 'real' trouble maker of the group. Can they and will they speak truth to power. Will it matter?

Noise - traffic, neighbors, people walking by, ambulances, fire trucks, cops with their sirens. And some quiet too. I see the same clouds and feel the same breeze and hear the same birds. But I have to work harder.

Family - my family has gotten smaller. Time does that, of course. But change does that as well. Change came in distance, an addition of a husband and two kids and some of his extended family that lives in this area. And the friends that I have made have become a true extension of my family.

Big town - Des Moines isn't one of the biggest cities in the country but it's the biggest in Iowa. And I love it. And I chose Des Moines. I chose the diversity, I chose the schools, I chose the community. I chose the city. I didn't want the suburbs. I don't believe in being part of white flight and that is what suburbs were built on. And I know - that's a hard pill to swallow for some; I'm not here to help you swallow it. And I'm also not going to be holier than thou when it comes to my decision to live in the city. I've said things in the past like "I live in the Drake neighborhood [historically a black and run down neighborhood marred by violence] but I live in the good part of the Drake neighborhood." Because I learned today and I will be better tomorrow I know that what I was really saying was "Don't worry. I'm safe. All of my neighbors are white." That is part of systemic racism I didn't know was there. Because I wasn't saying black/white I wasn't being racist. But here's the thing - I WAS being RACIST AF. Racism is so systemic it is built into our language. Now I know. And I'm embarrassed. And I'm fragile. And I'm hurt. And it's uncomfortable. And I'm learning. I'm acknowledging and I'm accountable. I have that taken out of my vocabulary and there is more to find and dispose of.

School - My 2 boys go to a school that is so intimidating to me. The graduating class from their school is 501 students this year. IN ONE CLASS!! The district has approximately 2350 seniors that are graduating this year. One class, one district, 5 high schools.  They are not having my experience and I'm only seeing and experiencing part of theirs. And let's not forget the years that we have spent DEFUNDING EDUCATION. It's no wonder that DMPS spends over $1,000,000 on resource officers in the school. Give the schools back their teachers and we wouldn't need resource officers! Take a look at the system and see that it is reactionary instead of proactive. 'The kids have no respect - bring in the police to control them.' vs 'These kids have no respect - bring in more teachers so that can lower class sizes and have more time for each student to prevent them from failing the future.' This is an example of ways to DEFUND THE POLICE. Des Moines Public Schools are far from perfect, but it's home to my boys. The school is doing amazing things right now at educating the community and students about anti-racism.

What I have found is that both my foundational Home and my additional Home are more alike than they are different. I believe that out and proud (individual) racism exists in my foundational Home. I've seen it and heard it. I know it exists in my additional Home. I also believe that the more dangerous systemic racism is found in both communities. But I think it's easier to see here in Des Moines. You are going to have to try harder to see the flaws in the system when so often the system works for you. You are white. You are surround by a mostly white community. It seemingly doesn't affect you. Try harder. Try harder to see systemic racism. Try harder to understand someone else's experience. Try harder to see your privilege. Look harder at who is in charge - banks, companies, boards, presidents, etc. White people built the racist system because they could. You are participating in it because you are afraid that your privilege will be taken away. You are showcasing your white fragility. Admit that you are afraid. When you say "I don't see color" it's because you are afraid. Challenge yourself - "What if I did see color?" "Would I see that it matters?" I don't want color to matter. I don't want police officers to be labeled bad people. I don't want any of this. But in this moment in history it doesn't matter what I want. It doesn't matter what you want. The truth is that color does MATTER. The truth is that most cops aren't bad but the POLICE (system) are.

I have a story about TRUTH to share - When in the 4th grade, my son came home and told me that he could no longer run at recess. It was against the rules. This was a bit shocking, right. No running?? At recess?? I actually started to receive a couple of phone calls from other parents 'Can you believe this?!' 'They can't run at recess!' 'This is unacceptable!' 'I'm calling the principal to complain!' But here's the thing - No running at recess wasn't THE truth. It was definitely my son's truth. And he was mad and hurt. I didn't call the principal and complain. And I cautioned my friends from calling the principal and complaining. I listened more to my child and asked him some critical thinking questions. We discussed perspectives. We discussed versions of the truth. And the truth was that it was dangerous to play tag on the playground equipment - kids were getting hurt. So an area was being designated as a running/tag area. We have to believe peoples truths. I believed my sons truth and we talked through how to understand the whole truth. I have to believe you when you say cops are good. You have to believe me (and those who are shouting) when I say the POLICE (system) are bad. These things are both part of the whole truth and by having discussions and taking action we can move forward.

While I am not new to the idea of BLACK LIVES MATTER or ANTI-RACISM, I am a new to the idea of DEFUND THE POLICE. The first time I heard it was shocking. It definitely goes against the system in place. While learning about what exactly defunding the police meant in the last few days, I was also seeing quite a few of my friends in law enforcement or close to law enforcement proclaim all of the great things that the police do. And I want to say to all of you - NO. Now is not the time for that. If we again use the analogy of cops vs police, very few people believe cops are bad (there is absolutely a small fringe that wants anarchy. There will always be fringe... But the actual message and truth is more hopeful and helpful and safer). What you are hearing (F the POLICE! DEFUND THE POLICE! I HATE THE POLICE) is that the system is bad. And I don't love those words. They are explosive and provocative. I dated a police officer's son in high school. I have school mates who I respect and admire that have become police officers and love their communities. It is hard for me to hear those painful words and think about them. But I understand they are being spoken out of pain. I also understand they are being received in pain. That's hard. That's uncomfortable. But we can do hard things.

I'm calling you to action. I challenge you to see more truths in the world. I challenge you to not make this political or one-sided. Not for yourself, not for your individual 'I'm not racist' but for the collective. For the system of white oppression to be knocked down, white people have to be involved. All too often we are still the ones making all the decisions. Peace and love. And BLACK LIVES MATTER.

Resources & Perspectives:

White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo, PhD

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